I just saw a hot homeless man
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
