When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
