Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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