nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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