ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
