Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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