What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize