Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
