do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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