There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
