Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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