you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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