Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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