I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
