Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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