yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
