Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
