I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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