someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
