I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i think my tv is drunk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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