Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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