Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
