I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
