I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
