I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He passed out mid-signature
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
