Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
