she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
two words...techno handjob
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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