after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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