Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
