So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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