I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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