Define "chronic" masturbator.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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