You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
