Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
