he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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