I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
