mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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