hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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