I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
