remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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