I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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