I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
