Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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