mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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