she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
