I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
