My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
