I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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