does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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