Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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