I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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