Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
