i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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