I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
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I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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