I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
