i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
