sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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