If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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