my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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