my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
